Are you ready to step into the shoes of a survivor, feeling her strength and pain as she bravely shares her story? In our latest episode of Latina’s State of Mind, we go on a raw and emotional journey with a guest who has lived through a harrowing tale of domestic violence. Disguised as love and support, her abusive relationship was fraught with manipulation and control, yet she found the resilience to break free.
We delve into the toxic phenomenon of "gaslighting," a manipulative tactic commonly used in abusive relationships. Our guest brings to light the real struggle of leaving such a relationship, highlighting how financial constraints often come into play. This intense conversation sheds light on the insidious nature of domestic violence, including the often overlooked psychological aspects. We also discuss the power dynamics at play in such situations, and the role society often plays in judging victims, especially in the wake of a divorce.
In a rousing narrative of survival, our guest shares her journey of overcoming abuse. Be inspired by her determination to advocate for herself from a young age and how a supportive figure in her life helped her regain control. Together, we explore the detrimental societal judgments surrounding domestic violence victims. Whether you or someone you know is facing a similar situation, our hope is this episode will provide strength, guidance, and the reaffirmation that no one is unworthy of love and happiness.
Song - Latin Groove by PHANTASTICBEATS
Are you ready to step into the shoes of a survivor, feeling her strength and pain as she bravely shares her story? In our latest episode of Latina’s State of Mind, we go on a raw and emotional journey with a guest who has lived through a harrowing tale of domestic violence. Disguised as love and support, her abusive relationship was fraught with manipulation and control, yet she found the resilience to break free.
We delve into the toxic phenomenon of "gaslighting," a manipulative tactic commonly used in abusive relationships. Our guest brings to light the real struggle of leaving such a relationship, highlighting how financial constraints often come into play. This intense conversation sheds light on the insidious nature of domestic violence, including the often overlooked psychological aspects. We also discuss the power dynamics at play in such situations, and the role society often plays in judging victims, especially in the wake of a divorce.
In a rousing narrative of survival, our guest shares her journey of overcoming abuse. Be inspired by her determination to advocate for herself from a young age and how a supportive figure in her life helped her regain control. Together, we explore the detrimental societal judgments surrounding domestic violence victims. Whether you or someone you know is facing a similar situation, our hope is this episode will provide strength, guidance, and the reaffirmation that no one is unworthy of love and happiness.
Song - Latin Groove by PHANTASTICBEATS
This is Latina's State of Mind, a podcast created by Latinas for all audiences, where we can share our experiences about love, life and everything in between. Hello and welcome to another episode of Latina's State of Mind. Hello, we have a special guest and we have a heavy topic, but a very important one.
Speaker 2:This is your trigger warning.
Speaker 1:I don't even know how to warn people about this.
Speaker 3:I guess if they feel triggered by hearing stories about domestic violence. This might not be the episode for them.
Speaker 1:We have a dear friend, one of my favorite people here, who has been through some rough times with this topic. She's here to share her story with us and hopefully we can learn from it and get some advice and kind of get out of it like she did.
Speaker 3:Yeah, the story.
Speaker 1:Do you want to tell us a little bit about your story? She's like yeah, yes, how did you meet?
Speaker 4:him. I was going to school in Colorado Springs and I worked at one of the malls there, and I met him while I was working. Okay.
Speaker 1:Was he super charming.
Speaker 4:Super charming, not really my type physically, but like his actions at the very beginning he was like, oh, he's fun to be with. He wanted to get to know my best friend, he wanted to get to know my family. So he seemed like he was there with all the great intentions. He wanted to support me. I was in dance in college, support me with dance, just really interested in my life, and so it seemed like he wanted to be a part of it. So, yes, he was charming, he liked to go dance. That was kind of my love language.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he was doing all the right things.
Speaker 4:All the right things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how long were you with him before the abuse began?
Speaker 4:To be honest, like I've been thinking about this a lot, I don't think it was very long into us getting to know each other. So when I first met him, I kept him as a friend for a really long time and I should have kept it that way, Because as a friend he was very different. But once we started dating, I should have known it when he started yelling and Senya was there. She knows this story, so also watch out for her. So he was manipulative in the fact that he learned the things that were important to me and use them against me almost.
Speaker 4:So he at that time I was very good Mormon girl and he decided to start to take the Mormon discussion and started to go to church and started to go to church and all the things as a Mormon girl you're like, oh my gosh this is the one he's changing his life for me. So he started taking the Mormon discussions and Senya and I at that time were very good Mormon girls. That faith meant everything to us at that time, and so when he started to do that, I was like wow this has to be him, and I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:how old were you?
Speaker 4:20. Oh yeah, you were a kid.
Speaker 2:I was a baby.
Speaker 4:And a baby and a naive. I was very naive for a really long time, like we lived in a bubble, partly because of religion. He started to take the missionary discussions and he chose to get baptized into the Mormon church. And the night before he was supposed to get baptized and my whole family came up because this was exciting for them and this is great. And so we're at our house and we get a call from one of our friends that he was at a party on base because he was in the military with one of our other friends and it was just them two with a bunch of women whose husbands were currently deployed. That's got you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, very interesting, yeah, interesting.
Speaker 4:And so our friend calls us and we're like, hmm, let's go over. So Jesse, me and Senya get in the car and we're like we're going to go over to catch him. And as soon as we started to come, they were headed to our house. Oh, so we never got to the party, we never caught them. But they come over to the house. Our other friend was super drunk and just laughing the whole time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he was so not sure of what was happening.
Speaker 4:Yeah like I don't know what world he was in and all of a sudden it became. He's 100% gaslighted me and Senya the whole time Like he wasn't there.
Speaker 1:At that point, like I remember this, because this is so I like this guy, like we a lot.
Speaker 3:He was doing everything right yeah.
Speaker 1:And at this point, like I was like, well, they're just going to have a little argument and I'm just going to let them like, like have a discussion. But as I was walking towards the house, I heard the yelling, and the yelling was mainly coming from him and not her. You heard it from outside the house.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so I went back and I said, hey, don't talk to her that way, yeah, and I looked at her and she was shocked and she was quiet and I remember like him being in my face like up in my face yelling and calling me names and just saying how I was the one that was taking her there and like it was our fault, that he wasn't doing anything wrong and that we were just being jealous. And I was just like backup, like don't talk to me that way, don't? And and she's a polled her.
Speaker 1:She just kept pulling me back because I was at that point like yelling at him back and and she was scared that.
Speaker 4:I thought he was going to hit her.
Speaker 1:So then I said go ahead, you hit me, you're gonna hit me once and I'm gonna call the military police and you're gonna be in so much trouble. And I have four brothers and I know the minute I tell them that you hit me, you are gonna pay for that. So hit me. Yeah, and he was like I would never do that, but his fist was clenched.
Speaker 1:The entire time. Then our other friend overheard it came out, pushed him off of us, yeah, and we went back inside and I hated him after that, right, but I don't know what he said to her and I couldn't even tell you, like I don't know, what he said to her and the next day it was like nothing happened.
Speaker 2:I feel like he just said the right words to calm you down. 100, you know like and this isn't me or anything like that, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:Well, and like I remember that day or that next morning, my parents were like, did you guys hear the neighbors fighting? We almost called the cops. My parents didn't know what was going on us and I would, and I was like that was yelling at me. Well, I don't even think I said it, because I probably was trying to protect him.
Speaker 4:Yeah but I have sisters and my family was there. Everybody knew but my parents, and so they told that it was him, and my family decided not to go to his baptism, but my mom and senya and my dad. My mom is one of those people that if I believe in something enough, she's gonna believe in it too. She's gonna support you no matter what 100%, and she's always that way with me. She's that way with all of her kids.
Speaker 4:Yeah um, she will always be there for you, and she was like no, it was, we made an excuse for him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I was gonna be, and yeah.
Speaker 4:She, she was there, and so we go to his baptism. He gets baptized. It's this really beautiful day, um, and I was like, okay, he gets a clean slate, because that's what a baptism is right in any religion is you get a start over. And it was like he gets to start over and then, from then on, he wasn't. Um, he didn't show any other signs. That happened once while we were dating and I was like, okay, everything's gonna Everything's gonna be great.
Speaker 4:Um, then we did break up for a while and during the breakup he would have his friends reach out to me and try to talk to me, to catch me talking to other guys.
Speaker 3:So like setting her up, but you were not with him anymore.
Speaker 4:That wasn't with him anymore, it didn't matter though and even one of his friends wrote me a letter on how he didn't like how he treated me and how he I deserved better and how he's always wanted to be with me. Like it was to that point senya was always with me because we would go out and there's some guy would be like, hey, let's come over. And I was like, well, why not? Like I'm not with any more.
Speaker 2:So why not?
Speaker 4:And then he would use that against me Because, well, we're not together, but I'm still talking to you. What yeah, so she was still like his property, oh yeah and so he set me up and during this time, I was also getting ready to join the military, um, and I was joining in the spring of that year. And so, like there's a ton of things going on in your mind, um, and, I think, being raised in the religion that we were at that time, you're supposed to be married by 2021.
Speaker 1:And I think we've talked about that here before right how like we, we felt that pressure. Like you were 18, 19 and if the women at church they go on missions at 21 Because they're not good enough to be married?
Speaker 4:Yeah, so if you're not?
Speaker 1:if you're not married by 21, you go on a mission To find a husband no, to go preach the lord's word because you weren't good enough for marriage.
Speaker 4:Yeah, kind of, I mean, yeah so they don't say that, but that's definitely how it feels.
Speaker 3:And so then there's this pressure as a young woman like to be married to be married Um really young right, and that's kind of like the expectation that everyone has one kind of presentation.
Speaker 1:Or you go on a mission 21 and then you have to come back for your mission and you have to find somebody.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, that sounds rough, so like we're already dealing with that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and then pressure.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and he knew that about me. He knew that I wanted to be married and to ultimately have kids and have a family, and Because he knew this, he used it as manipulation. He provided the perfect vision for you 100%.
Speaker 3:This is what you need. Here you go, take it.
Speaker 2:This is what I'm right here. Yeah, look at what I got for you, yeah.
Speaker 4:Um, so I was getting ready to join the military. We were on again, off again, um, and also during that time he was talking to whoever he wanted. I couldn't question that. That was. If I did, that was jealous but she couldn't talk to her.
Speaker 1:You were the crazy, Of course can we maybe Define gaslighting right?
Speaker 3:now just because we already said the word in it. I don't know if a lot of people know it. We said the word and it's a new wish term.
Speaker 2:Um, so this is what I have from the newport institute. Um, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow so so Sorry guys to sow self doubt and confusion in the victim's mind. So they're seeking to gain power and control over the other person by distorting their reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's kind of that making you feel crazy, feeling yeah, ahead at that point, yes, it's your fault.
Speaker 1:Everything was always my fault when I was with him.
Speaker 4:Um, but fast forward, I go to the military. And right before I go he was like let's go to the courthouse and get married.
Speaker 1:Oh and I tell that's a red flag I had left to california. At that time I was living here.
Speaker 2:Did he take that opportunity that you weren't?
Speaker 1:I think, so I think so.
Speaker 2:You didn't have any support. He's like oh, let me take her now.
Speaker 4:Oh, yep because she left and he would use a lot of stuff. He would just be like he's like, let's, we got up one morning and he's like, let's, go get married. Also, mind you, when you're in the military and you you're married, you get extra money. Stupid me at that time didn't think it was because he wanted extra money because he loves me and wants me yeah to be married. He wanted it for the money.
Speaker 2:He wanted the benefits.
Speaker 4:I do know that there's a bunch of benefits, yeah he wanted, because he wanted to get out of the barracks as soon as you're if you're a soldier and you're single, you live in the barracks if you're a soldier, dorms yeah basically the dorms, and if you're married, you get to go live off post or you can.
Speaker 4:You can have your own apartment and you get bah and, like military members that are married, they get lots of money. Nice, because you get your base pay and then your bah, which is your cost of living. Well, um, but I was stupid and I didn't know that.
Speaker 1:And so you're not stupid. Yeah, you can't blame yourself.
Speaker 4:I feel like I was a little stupid, but so he was like let's go get married, let's not tell anyone, not even my best friend, not my sisters who I'm super close with, not my mom.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 4:Nobody. And then I leave for basic in like three days and I don't tell anybody that I got married and I get to basic and basic training. I think for all Of the military branches they break you down to build you back up right. And so, like you get there and you feel like the lowest of the low, you're like why did I choose this for my life? Um, and I get there one night and I was doing fire guards. So you have to do 24 hour fire guard and you get your battle buddy and you have to stay up for two hours Like guarding your post, making sure that nobody breaks into the barracks. And I was like I'm gonna write my mom a letter and tell her I got married because I can't keep secrets from her. And at that time there's my family can't Communicate besides letters to me. There's maybe a phone call every three weeks. Basic training is a lot different nowadays because they get their cell phones. We didn't get that like we had.
Speaker 4:they told us not even to Bring our cell phone. Um, so I go to basic, I tell my mom a letter, she writes me back and she's like can we get this annulled? And that was gonna be the Plan when I got back and out of the mill or out of basic training was to get an annullment. Why? Um?
Speaker 3:Did you tell her that you weren't really happy with your decision, or she could just feel it?
Speaker 4:She could feel it, yeah, and I think when I got to basic I met so many friends and I found um A confidence in myself because that's that's hard because if you made it through basic yeah, then.
Speaker 4:I was like, okay, if I learned how to shoot a gun Never touched a gun before I joined the military and I've learned how to run and do all these really tough things by myself, then I don't really need him. And I made some really great friends and they kind of make you see a part of you that you didn't know was there, because this is the person that you have to rely on Essentially if you're going to war. That is going to take care of your back, make sure that you come back safe. And so I got to basic. I'm in. Basic it's send my mom this letter and she sends me back this letter and I was like, okay, that will be the plan. And also, while I was gone, he never wrote me. I was about to ask did you have any communication with? Like? He wrote me like once, maybe once or twice, and I was gone from May to September.
Speaker 4:Wow, yes, he should write me at least once a week, you think a niece.
Speaker 1:That was like she wrote years old wrote her all the time.
Speaker 4:Yeah, my niece Tiana wrote me. My mom wrote me every day. My dad wrote me all the time. My grandma wrote me. My grandpa wrote me like my brother. My youngest brother was probably the best person at writing me.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 4:He wrote me all the time and the more letters you get, the better you feel, I bet, and probably so long.
Speaker 2:It shows that. Not only that, but it shows that people care about you. Yes, they're thinking about you.
Speaker 4:I was like oh, you don't have to do this and and so when he didn't write me and I made all these other friends in the military and they make me see my worth I was like, ok, yeah, I'm going to do the enolment, it'll be fine. And then I get out of basic, get out of AIT and in the military and I don't know if it's changed it was really hard for a soldier member to soldier member to get divorce because the divorce rate in the military is so high. They tried everything they could not for us to get an enolment or divorce. That it was. Let's go go to counseling first, do all these things first, and I don't know if that's the same. I had every intention of leaving him and like it just wasn't the right time. If we're meant to be, we'll. We'll end up back together together or whatever.
Speaker 3:I forgot that he was part of the military. Now it makes me think he, he knew better that you needed exactly.
Speaker 4:Yes, yes, you should know exactly like he'd been through basic and he know he had way more experience in the military than you did. Yeah, yeah. Damn because that's how I met him was.
Speaker 2:He was in the military and I was going to college.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and so I got back, I couldn't leave him and everything was OK for a little bit, like a month. Oh, because then he got orders that he was going to deploy and so, like we were married, but I never really lived with him, ever like a couple of months here and there, but he was getting ready to deploy and he was jealous. He was a very jealous person, but at that time that makes you feel like, oh, he just loves me that much.
Speaker 1:He cares about me. He cares about me. I think it's that teenager.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean that makes you and also like where they both talk about love or whatever. Somebody shows you that they care about you in different ways and oh, if he loves me, he's jealous. It's just, it's not anything else. We romanticize. Yeah, jealousy Right.
Speaker 4:Especially when you're younger, exactly. And so he gets ready to deploy. The weekend before he deploys there was a party with all of his unit and I was friends with a lot of the people in his unit and some of the girls and all these things, but they were having a party and he wasn't going to take me. Like we did all this stuff with our friends and he was going to go, and one of my friends who was also in the military she, she got mad at him and she was like, fine, she'll just come with us because I want to hang out with her.
Speaker 4:But, why wouldn't you want to hang out with your wife?
Speaker 2:You're about to leave for a year.
Speaker 4:And so we go to this party and I already know he didn't really want me there because he wasn't going to take me. But so we go to this party and I can't remember I think I was like sitting. It was at a hotel. I was sitting on a bed like watching TV because I'm also not a huge party person especially then I wasn't, but I like to be around people but I was sitting on the bed like watching TV or something. And this guy comes up to me and he asked me the time and I see the other guy over there watching.
Speaker 4:This guy hit on me and he comes up out of nowhere and this guy is like like you're so lucky, sorry, no, like no ill intent, she's beautiful. Like he was, he was very respectful, he was not trying to disrespect in any way and he told him that. But at that moment I saw something change in him. He was blinded by rage, yes, and he was like we're leaving the party and he grabs me by the back of my shirt, like I'm a little kid almost and started pushing me out. And people are watching and no one saying anything and he's like pushing me out and he started kicking the back of my legs and I was like okay, I like maybe he drank. I couldn't remember, I wasn't drinking at this point.
Speaker 1:Did you think that it would escalate to more than that?
Speaker 4:I got scared for my life and so I was driving. No, I wasn't. I was driving and he was yelling at me so much that I pulled over and I was like I can't drive if you're going to yell at me like that. And so we switched and at that point he grabbed my head and threw me through my head against the car. And of course it was my fault, because the guy was hitting on me and I was like what? And so he did that through my head against the car and all of a sudden I hear ringing in my ears and I could feel like my ears swell up and I was just holding it and I was crying because now I'm hurt. And in that instance he starts crying what? And yeah, and I just love you so much, it hurts me to hurt you.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 4:That and I was like, and I knew if I said anything he would get kicked out of the military, and I was just like, so I go home and I'm shocked, like I'm in like almost like an outer body experience, because I remember like laying in bed and being terrified that I wasn't going to wake up in the morning and like I didn't know what to do.
Speaker 4:But I got home and I go to bed and I wake up and I'm still like my head hurts, my ear hurts and I was like I have to go to the emergency room. I have to. And he's like, okay, I'll take you. And this is where I wish there was more talk about domestic violence and resources, because we went on base, we went to the hospital, we go to the emergency room and the first thing they ask is is this a domestic violence case? But I'm with the the abuser.
Speaker 1:How can you yeah, how can you even sign all of this?
Speaker 2:Yeah you can't.
Speaker 4:And so I was like, um no, I and he made up a story on the spot of what happened to me on the spot and I don't know.
Speaker 2:but that should have been a red flag to the, to the person, to the perceptionist, or whatever. But he was giving, yeah, he was making up the story, yeah.
Speaker 4:Cause they like check me in in everything, and they asked if I wanted him to go back there with me. But how can I say no when he's going to be the one that has to take me home? In my head? I don't know. I can say no, he can stay back there, and then I can tell my story and then I know they lock him up and get him away from me and then I can call my mom and she can come save me, right, like I didn't know any of that.
Speaker 1:Well, and at this point you're 21. 21. And how do you have you ever been taught to advocate for yourself in front of like? We don't get taught to advocate for ourselves with a provider, with a doctor, until we're like 29, 30s, like when we have all these, even then, yeah. So, like you can at 21,. You're not thinking. I can ask for something else. I can say no idea. Let me be by myself.
Speaker 3:But I feel like you can't say that yeah, exactly. That has to be the responsibility of the providers to be like he has to be you coming in, that's, and they stay.
Speaker 4:That could have changed everything everything, because he has to come back with me and they check me out and then we leave the hospital. They discharge me, like I they gave me. When you're in the military you can't just call out sick, right? So they had to write me a note for like two weeks. She needs to do light duty, basically because she has a concussion. Because he hit my head so hard I had a concussion and the place where he hit is also like where, like you're hearing, that's probably why you had the ringing in my ear.
Speaker 4:Like it could have been. It could have changed my life. Yeah, totally. Um. So we get discharged and then he's like, sucking up to me, of course, like where do you want to go to dinner? And just trying to baby me, and like I couldn't, I didn't even know how to think because I felt so alone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I and yeah at 21, you don't really have any. Yeah, yeah, thoughts, thoughts. You're not kidding, no, it's right.
Speaker 4:And so we go out to dinner and then two days later he's deployed and I was like, okay, like this, will, it's better with him gone and then I could really focus on being in the military and getting my friends. And I told nobody about that for a long time. Um, I didn't. Nobody knew. The people at the party saw something happen. They might have their speculations, but I kept that a secret for a really long time.
Speaker 4:And then, fast forward, he came home on R and R. You get two weeks off when you're deployed to rest. And so he came home for his R and R and um, something we were going to like do pictures or something I can't remember. Um, and he's like go get my wallet. And I got his wallet and I threw it down. We were, we had stairs and a banister and he's like throw me my wallet. I threw him his wallet, he asked me to throw it and it hit him in the eye and that set him off and like he grabbed me. Like as soon as I did that, I saw his face and I started running up the stairs and he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me down the stairs and like I remember him kicking me like pushing me down and kicking me, and he was built like a football player.
Speaker 4:He's a lot bigger than me Um and I was, yeah, like he kicked me and pushed me down and again it was my fault. Wow. I have no words, yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm sitting here like and disbelief.
Speaker 1:If I hated him before, you can hate him more. Yeah, he can go fuck himself. He's not a good person.
Speaker 4:Um, and that shocked me again and I didn't say anything for a long time. He deployed, he left, and then, while he was deployed, I started talking to my friends and they're like, just leave him, like you don't have kids, just leave him. And so that I started getting another confidence. I was like, dude, I went through basic training by myself with, not his, for I don't need him. And so I started getting a confidence. Um, and I remember I sent him and I still have this picture in a photo album there was a picture of me and my younger sister that I sent him and his response to that picture was I was getting fat. And if I showed you guys the picture now, I was like where is that? Like, the 21 year old fat is a whole different type of fat than 30s and 40s.
Speaker 2:Cause I was like I don't mean, I'm sorry, but you're a small girl.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly. Now can you imagine?
Speaker 4:21 and I was in the military was 125 pounds, wow, wow. But I was getting fat in this picture and I remember him saying that to me and I was like he's such a jerk.
Speaker 3:Like, probably because he was noticing that you were gaining confidence and he had to like yeah, 100% Like yes, and so he was deployed.
Speaker 4:And then I started getting a confidence and I was like I'm going to leave him, and so I told my mom everything.
Speaker 2:Oh, that had to be difficult.
Speaker 4:I don't like to break my mom's heart and and now having kids, I could understand my mom at that point. My mom was the hardest part my mom and my dad. My dad may be worse, because that's your dad and no one's supposed to touch his baby girl, Um.
Speaker 4:So I, I finally told my parents and I had a plan in motion as soon as he gets back, I wasn't going to, I was going to go to the military MP and tell my story and I was going to get him out and I wasn't going to be near him and I was stronger, Um, and that was the plan. And during this time I met my now husband, Um, and he not that, uh, not that anybody needs validation from somebody else to become stronger, but sometimes you meet that person and you're like, wow, this person is. They validated me and he's.
Speaker 1:I think people see things in you that at certain points in your life you don't see you in yourself.
Speaker 2:And it.
Speaker 1:I think it brings that light that you already have, but you don't see out a hundred percent, so I think that's.
Speaker 4:So I met him and once the other guy got home from being deployed, he manipulated me again, and not that I wasn't strong enough to get out, but I also was pregnant at the time with my husband's my now husband's baby. And in the military you're not supposed to cheat like that. Adultery is like you will lose your rank, and so I was. To me, I was a sinner. I was this horrible person cause I got pregnant by a, not my husband, and like I didn't know how to get out of it now, cause now I have to play that this baby that I'm going to have is my husband's baby. So now he has more control. So now he has more control.
Speaker 4:Um, and so he came back from the military, but then when he got out, he did his time, he left and I was pregnant still and I was like, perfect, he leaves, I can get a divorce, an abandonment divorce, whatever. However, um, luckily, we never had a house together, we didn't have kids together, and I never changed my last name. That should also maybe be a sign not that you have to change your last name, cause, like some people love their last names and you don't have to but I never even took his last name. You never wanted to know.
Speaker 2:No, no, not at all.
Speaker 4:I was like you know, I like my last name, um. So the plan was well, he got out of it. He got out and I could just leave him, and then I can have a baby, and I'll be a single one, and I can do that. And then, of course, like two months not even two months, it was like the month that I was due he comes back out of nowhere, like you had no support at all throughout eight months.
Speaker 4:Basically, While I was pregnant, my family took care of me Like I remember. Um, when I found out I was, I knew I was pregnant. Um, mama Chagua was making eggs on Thanksgiving and the smell made me throw up, and so I went to the bathroom and she comes, following me, and she's like are you pregnant? And you know she only speaks Spanish, so I have to speak Spanish with her and I'm tall. I bawled to her. She was the first person to know and I know she never told anyone. She never told me.
Speaker 1:Never told me, not even you, not even me Not. I had to find out because of you Like.
Speaker 4:I told Mama Chagua she was the first person I told Um and I, like I had a horrible pregnancy with my first, like I was sick. All three of my kids I was always sick. I'm not somebody that's supposed to be pregnant.
Speaker 1:I don't think she's going to get pregnant. I'm going to get pregnant.
Speaker 4:Um, but yeah, so he came back um right before I was due and played the whole role of I'm going to take care of you yeah. Look at this guy yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't even know him A hundred.
Speaker 4:He's the worst person. We hate him.
Speaker 3:Um he's good to hate, him.
Speaker 4:But yeah, he comes back and he tries to play on this role that he was going to take on his adulterous wife and her baby. Like that was the role he was. And he even told like we started going to church again and while he was deployed, I was going to church and I told my bishop what he did to me and the bishops like we'll keep him safe away from you, and the bishop is kind of like a priest, a priest type of thing like a higher yeah Person and okay yeah.
Speaker 4:And so before he came back, the bishop had my back and he was like we'll keep you safe, all these things. And then when he comes back and he goes to church, he manipulated all the church and I was the terrible person because I got pregnant by somebody else and they no longer cared that he used to beat me, or still beats me. It's now.
Speaker 2:Everything else is your fault. Everything's my fault.
Speaker 3:So it's kind of like validating everything he told you before oh, 100% from your church.
Speaker 4:Yes, yeah, from the people.
Speaker 1:You trust them.
Speaker 4:Yes, 100% Um my family still never. My siblings never liked him Like when I was, when I kept taking him back and taking him back. I drove them crazy, rightfully, because, as a sibling, how do you watch your sibling keep going through it and you keep telling them no, but they keep doing it and I understand how my family felt. But it was super isolating because the only person at that time that I felt really loved me was my mom, because she never turned her back.
Speaker 3:You felt like everyone was judging you for your decisions, but, at the same time, that was the only thing that you could do at that point.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and I know having younger siblings and watching them go through things, I feel the same. I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I put you guys through that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Because it's hard, because when you care about somebody and they don't listen and they keep putting themselves in that situation and you don't know the full situation, it's really easy to have a snap judgment. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Do you think? Well, I know that this experience changed our life in many ways. If somebody's listening to us right now that's going through this in any way, what would you say to them? All of us can say I'll never get myself in that situation.
Speaker 2:I think we've all of us have said I will never be in those shoes.
Speaker 3:I will never stay after something like that Exactly.
Speaker 1:But once that's happened to you, I think your brain changes your chemistry, everything changes, and you probably have heard so many gaslighting things that make you think it's all your fault. And then there's that power control dynamic where you don't have any control of that. What do you think that you could have heard at that moment? Or at one point, thing that could have changed your mind, that could have seen the red flag that I was still worthy, that I'm not damaged, that people love you.
Speaker 4:Because it was really easy going through that to feel like people thought I deserved to go through what I went through Because you kept going back, because I kept going back and because I essentially cheated on him and got pregnant, like, even though he cheated and did whatever he want, I got caught and so I deserved that and it was very isolating. But if I would have never got pregnant and had my oldest, I never would have left him. Oh wow.
Speaker 3:Because you might have killed you 100%. So basically, your baby saved you, he saved my life 100%.
Speaker 4:The last time he hurt me, my parents were coming up to watch my son so I could go to the military ball and we weren't living together at the time. But he was over and he saw my current husband and one of my battle buddies. They were texting me. I couldn't, I wasn't going to drink and when we were at the military ball, because I had a baby and I'm breastfeeding. So I told all my friends I'm like I'll be your guys's DD. And so all my friends were like texting me that day, like hey, what time can you get us?
Speaker 4:And he saw a text from my friend and he pushed me up our stairs and we had this big window. And he pushed me at the window and I thought he was going to push me out. Oh, my baby was in the crib sleeping and I thought he was going to push me out and I had bruises on my arms and that was the moment that I was like I kicked him out and I couldn't be there. Like my, my baby does not deserve that energy. And I kicked him out. Good for you.
Speaker 2:I'm glad you did that. Even through that difficult moment that you're probably not thinking right, you had the right moment to say hey, this is it yeah, that was.
Speaker 4:I was like my son can't see this ever, and so I kicked him out. My parents got there. I had bruises all over my arms and I had to go to this military ball in the dress that I had showed off my arms and my mom tried to help me put makeup on. My mom when I was in the military, right after I told her what happened to me, I was TDY, and when you go TDY, this is just kind of rewinding just a little bit, because I wasn't pregnant or anything at this time I went TDY to Texas. So I had to go to Texas for duty, for like. I was there for like a month.
Speaker 4:But while I was there my mom was in Colorado Springs and she decided to go to my unit and one of my sergeants he was like a big brother to me she went and told him everything that I was going through and so he knew when this guy got back from deployment what could happen. So he always kept a filter out for me. He was like a big brother, 100%. So when I go to the military ball, he knew this. A lot of my friends knew what I had been through and they saw the bruises on my arm and my now husband and a bunch of our friends. They left. I have no idea where they went. I have no idea what they did because he will not still tell me to this day, but they went somewhere.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we'll keep it. His has beat, because he deserves it.
Speaker 2:I mean. I mean I'm okay with not knowing.
Speaker 4:I don't know if you're okay, I don't want to know.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I want to know. I want to know the feel, the pleasure of knowing that somebody hurt him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true, but I know it was probably very painful. So I'm like, yeah, I'll keep that to myself. I know this is going to be a long episode. No, you're fine.
Speaker 1:Should we cut this episode to do a little bit of Diana's daily shit and then come back in the mood?
Speaker 2:We're a little bit, but I also think we're going to be talking shit. So what I mean? Do a little bit of it, let's do it. Diana's daily shit.
Speaker 3:First and foremost.
Speaker 2:If you are an abuser, fuck you. Yes, I want to point that we're going to be talking about something that ever so slightly kind of related.
Speaker 3:But not really.
Speaker 2:We're going to be talking about the Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner situation right now and the attempt to slander Sophie. Excuse me, boo, I'm not a Joe Jonas fan. I'm not even a Sophie Turner fan. I am Good for you, I'm Sophie, anyways. But I just I'm very disappointed by the media of still trying to push the narrative that she is an irresponsible woman because she went out for drinks after I believe it was a work party, some sort of like work party and I'm just disappointed by the media that they're trying to slander her. They're trying to point her out as a, like, a bad mom parent, a terrible partner to Joe, like, excuse me.
Speaker 1:Doesn't he tour all over the country all the time? Why are we judging him?
Speaker 3:And I mean he's performing drunk several times. Yeah, we've seen videos.
Speaker 2:And I was just. I mean and of course this is all over social media, but he has I'm not a fan, so I don't know I can confirm but he has songs where he states that he's like stumbling out of bars or something like that and I'm like, ok, so it's OK for you to party, but not for her. But not for her. And not only that. The thing that really bothers me too is that he was in his late twenties and she was either 21 or 22 when they got married. So she was, she was a child, young, really. Yeah, she was in her. She was that young? No, she's, she's not. I mean, they've been together for quite a hot minute now, but she was twenty twenty one when they got married and married for years.
Speaker 2:I wish I could tell you Look it up in a little bit but she was a kid, you know, she was naive and she was most likely like entailed in this glamour life of the singer or whatever. And I mean she had her own fame, of course, but he was. He's so known that it was probably a great relationship for a little bit. He had his babies. Good for them. She's been a good mother and then, now that she's actually going out and feeling better, now she's in a fit because people don't understand.
Speaker 1:there's like so many changes when you have babies and there's all these things, and maybe she's just trying to like lose a little and have some fun.
Speaker 3:But it was one time that she's been out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's the only time they've seen her only photo that they've been posting over and over again and out of that photo, that's what it is. Yeah, oh my gosh, but don't you think?
Speaker 4:that's how it happens with women.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, there's a divorce and a woman goes out.
Speaker 4:She's wild and partying and sleeping with everyone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and the saint of a man.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Staying at home with those kids.
Speaker 4:Baby's feeding his kids.
Speaker 1:Baby's feeding them Baby's feeding your own kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm sorry, you're just being a parent what. Yes, so one thing that the age related thing is that okay, her mind grew not only from having children, but just herself, like once you're 25 ish and older. At least for me, it happened that I started changing my mindset.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So did her mindset. Let me surface this. Did her mindset change, and was that not good enough for him? But she wasn't this little naive girl anymore. He's like oh wait, I don't like you anymore. Now you have actual thoughts. Let me divorce you.
Speaker 1:Now you have actual thoughts Like it.
Speaker 2:But anyways, I feel like this doesn't always just happen with celebrities.
Speaker 1:No, it does.
Speaker 2:This happens with women regular, regular women all the time, and we need to stop. Yes, like first of all, mind your own fucking business Exactly let's.
Speaker 1:Let's cover that first.
Speaker 2:Mind your own business.
Speaker 1:Who cares?
Speaker 2:if you are invited into someone's business, your both sides. Yeah at least try.
Speaker 1:So we use two sides to every story, exactly Three sides I've heard Four Her side, and then the truth.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I first of all mind your own business. If you are included in this business, try to be. You know, as neutral, neutro is possible. Yeah, or at least try to learn about the situation and use yourself from it.
Speaker 3:Don't use something like that, Like the one time that she went out. How are you going to use that when you don't know the full story? Exactly when he is drunk all the time. Like you can't use that against her for being out because she has kids. Like I was watching a video and this lady was like I am a great mom and I like to party and I can be both at the same time. Yes, and it doesn't change anything. Exactly 100% with her.
Speaker 2:She's grown, she's rich Right mom, I'm sorry, can she not party a little bit? She's hard working.
Speaker 1:Moms, you can party. Yes, Do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm not a mom.
Speaker 1:You've earned it. I approve this message. You've earned it.
Speaker 2:No, really, though they have earned it.
Speaker 1:Kids are shit Also that and you carried them for nine months in your body and who knows what happened in that delivery room. You're the only one. No one wants to you deserve it. Anyways, that's my little rant for today. I like it.
Speaker 2:Mind your own fucking business.
Speaker 1:I like it, thanks. Do we have closing thoughts?
Speaker 3:I think we have a lot of closing thoughts. Well, is there anything else you want to say before we go?
Speaker 4:If anybody's listening to this and going through anything, even if it's just manipulation, getting screamed at. It doesn't have to be physical. Abuse is abuse physical, mental, emotional, physical. Try to find your voice and there are resources to get out and there are people that want to support you.
Speaker 1:You're not alone. I think you said something very key and I love that. I feel like society tells us sometimes that we're not worthy if we do certain things. If, especially, we grew up religious, so you lose your virginity before you're married, you're definitely not worthy.
Speaker 1:So you deserve all the things that have been happening to you so you have that narrative in your brain If you allow somebody to touch you in a way that happened, then you're not worthy and all these things. But at the end of the day, you're worthy of wonderful, beautiful things. You're worthy of people loving and respecting you. You're worthy of being happy. You're worthy of happiness.
Speaker 2:Anyone on this earth. If you have the chance to be on earth, that's it.
Speaker 1:You're worthy of all the good things, all of the good things.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think I've been thinking and it had nothing to do with you, and I feel that that's how it is. In a lot of these situations it was not you, it was not your fault, it was not because you were doing this or that. It's that person. Whatever they're carrying and whatever they're dealing with, it's 100% them. It has nothing to do with you. If you're receiving it, it's not you. It's not you at all.
Speaker 2:Yep, it didn't start with you.
Speaker 4:And it won't probably, unfortunately, be the last one Exactly.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And we had statistics that maybe we can share online.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we can put them up on the post so people can see some of the statistics we found it's rough to read, but I think it's important that people read these because, it's important and then I would like to share the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which is 1-800-799-SAFE, and you can text also 88788.
Speaker 1:There's so many resources, there's reading material that tells you the difference between power and control some gaslighting stuff. There's so much help. Please, please, please, love yourself, know that you're worthy. We love you, we want you to be happy. Your family loves you, even though, like you said, it felt so. She felt so isolated, she wasn't alone, and I know it's hard to see it when you're in that situation, but you're not alone. Anything else Well.
Speaker 3:I just want to thank you for coming and sharing your story.
Speaker 1:I love you so much. Yeah, we love you and we're so proud of you.
Speaker 4:I love you guys.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being so brave. Yes, thank you, and thank you for listening to us. Yeah, hope you guys have a lovely night.
Speaker 3:Thank you for listening to Latina State of Mind produced by us, your awesome hosts Diana, senia and Nancy. Special shout out to Jerome our editor. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram at LSOM underscore podcast and on Facebook at Latina State of Mind. Hasta la próxima.